Magdalena O!

It’s a rare situation that my family actually takes me away from reality, but today we were all genuine smiles, hugs, even dancing around my room to a Goddard soundtrack. But then they had to leave, and I was left alone with the half-empty champagne glasses, dirty plates and my tipsy self.

Will people ever live in honesty? Why do we all misguide each other? How come he only makes an effort when he wants to? What is so wrong with me that I don’t deserve cliches? I don’t deserve a knock on my door and flowers? Am I so outside the spectrum of typified love? Am I outside you holding a bottle of wine in your one hand and some silly card in another?

One time long ago, a lover broke some news to me, and I took it the wrong way and got really upset, unnecessarily and started crying. He came all the way to my work, dropped me off some pastries with a funny message on the box, and I grinned so much laugh lines sunk into my skin.

I lied to him kind of today, yesterday I was at this crafts show and I found this delicious artichoke tapenade that I bought for him, because I always feel like if I am somewhere interesting I have to give him a part of it, but then I didn’t. I gave it to my mom instead. I was going to give it to him, but then I got upset and couldn’t. Sometimes I wish he could just hold me and lick my eyeballs dry. I have never been so affected by anyone. I am so in love with him, I feel sick. I feel sick because he does do more for me than anyone I’ve ever known, but sometimes I need him to just give into Shakespeare.

I guess I’ll finish the champagne.

MP3: Basia Bulat – If I Could Touch the Hem of His Garment

Cat Power – Metal Heart (2008 version)

Some Fill With Each Good Rain
There are different wells within your heart.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far too deep for that.

In one well
You have just a few precious cups of water,
That “love” is literally something of yourself,
It can grow as slow as a diamond
If it is lost.

Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a
Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.

There are different wells within us.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far, far too deep
For that.

-Hafiz 

;oh, my blanket states

blankets covering your ass

hole

while my finger(s) find their way

deep-er

(oh wait, let’s not get ee cummings on

the audience’s ass – not like

your ass

hole

which deserves more than my

Babes in Toyland strap-on is

capable of)

how about a song?

can i play you a song? something

on vinyl from the used record  store

your uncle owns

but shhh

don’t tell anyone,

don’t let them know

how you got that Winstons record

ing.

March 31, 2004 sometime early morning 

Our eyes are full of terrible confessions.
- Anne Sexton 

I wrote this on a forum today in response to someone who excused their poor execution of a project,

Regardless of marks or the tools you are given, if you want to be a designer, you have a certain aesthetic that comes out of you and whether it’s a 15 minute assignment like this probably was, or a month long project, it makes no difference. You put in the effort, because it’s an extension of you, and your passion. That’s all.

Nothing irritates me more then excuses for not having your heart behind something. I am me in everything I do, or else why would I do it? Would I give to an experience only a small part of me because I was too lazy or couldn’t make use of what I was given? Because then I should expect that in return, and I want nothing than everything, all the time.  I don’t want any experience to leave me underwhelmed. Ever.

I’ve been sick all day so much so that I couldn’t even go to work, and since my roommate was away all day, I didn’t have much to do. My eyes hurt so much for most of the day, so I couldn’t even read or be on the computer. The obvious choice was masturbate, and try again with the “My First Mini G-Spot Vibe” vibrator that I bought last week from Come as You Are. It was the cheapest they had, because I didn’t want to spend money on something that might not work anyway. Turns out that, either I suck, or it sucks because it works better as a regular vibrator than some g-spot finder/stimulator. I am too impatient! I want it to just come come come!

You know when they tell you that you have to sweat out your sickness? Doing it with orgasms is probably the best idea.

MP3: B12 – Infinite Lites (Primitives Mix)