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My Birthday

November 14th, 2008 § 1 comment

My birthday is on Sunday. I’m not making a big deal out of it, although I’m sure it’s still big compared to some people but to me, not planning a birthday party, not announcing myself to the people in my life is totally unthought of. People messaging me, calling me to ask what the fuck is up with my birthday, and with each response I grew more anxious about not doing anything, so in the end I’m having a few close friends lose their Circa virginity with me to see Martinez Brothers and get really fucked up. Same as every other weekend. I don’t want gifts, truly I wish I could just skip this all together and that no one even knew it was my birthday. I’m doing this because lately I’ve been wearing myself out publicly, and I’m not in any mood to have people celebrate me. What I really want for my birthday I can’t have, so I don’t see a point in making an effort in anything but. What I really really want is possible in a world where love truly does no wrong, but love always ends up warped into odious nasty things. The other thing I really want is possible, but not at the moment – getting into grad school. The third thing is also within reach but not quite – moving back to Europe. And the last is starting to come to fruition. These four things occupy my mind all day long. I wake up and there they are, I go to work and go through the motions while conspiring on how to make my dreams happen. I go home and try to work on them.

Last year was so big, so explicit, so all about me, about the party, about the music. Being explicit is fun when you have everything you want and the resources to claim it your own. I was living the richest period of my life.

Anais Nin says, “Most of my life has been spent in enriching as well as I could the long, long waiting for the great events which fill me now so deeply that I am overwhelmed. Now I understand the terrific restlessness, the tragic sense of failure, the deep discontent. I was waiting. This is the hour of expansion, of true living. All the rest was preparation.” (Henry and June)

How long then, does it take to come to terms that, that great event is over? Until a new event comes to enrich me again?

Objectively, I want to scold myself for being so ungrateful, for always wanting more. I am surrounded by love from my family, the friends I keep so close and that person that has proven to do anything and everything for me. How can I not have enough? I don’t know him though, he is more than me. I excite myself on knowing about a lover more than they know about themselves, being the omnipotent voice in their life. But with him, the roles are reversed. He is the patient one to my childishness, he is the one full of unrelenting forgiveness, he is the one I go to when I’m curious about anything, or want to try something new. Is that why we are still here? Is that why all my past lovers have been so strong to hold on, because I open them up? A guidebook at all times. Is that what he is? How did that happen? But then how do I marry the childish ego with the tolerant mother? Fuck. I totally get it now.

MP3: Chimatu, Phaeleh – Reflections EP

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§ One Response to My Birthday

Hi hi... your words mean everything to me.