Lately I have been feeling strange. Like I am me but not me at all. I have this shell of a body and I am going through the motions of my everyday. But I don’t feel hollow, ok, I do, but not in a simple way like when you are drained of emotion. I have felt this before, it’s tiring too, but obvious. This is like having an empty body but still having an overactive mind, except the mind is not connected to the body and its actions. It started happening when I was deep into Battlestar Galactica, and this Murakami book, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle has been a continuation of BSG. I had no idea at the time. On my bookshelf, it looked overwhelming, so it stayed there a while. I read the synopsis and wasn’t sure I could take it on. But something made me tackle it recently and here I am. I often think of myself as Zelig. When I get into something, it completely takes ahold of my life. I turn myself into it. Recently this happened with BSG, and the gym. I go to the gym everyday, and sweat and work out and only when I know it is unhealthy I leave. I can’t stop it. This book too, it is a world I so easily belong in. The way Creta Kano, a character in the novel, uses projection to get inside people’s consciousness to try to find her own, it is just like the cylons do with each other. She allows reality to form and for all the receptors to feel the experience like it happened, and even have physical consequences to it, even if it was completely in their minds. This makes a lot of sense to me, like my friend Alex said a few days ago, “reality doesn’t really interest me,” lately I have been feeling the same.
I need to find an empty well in this city. But so far no luck. Can you help me?
I have also been wearing more of my shoe collection’s high heels. I have so many and it is in shoes I never skimp, yet every day I wear my generic shoes except for my Miu Miu flats that have been worn to bits. Working out has made my legs and feet stronger and since there is no going back – this is it. 2009 is about all of my highest heels and letting my Michael Kors, Miu Miu, D&G’s, etc etc out in the open. How totally ridiculous of me to hide them all? What am I waiting for?
I actually despise the current footwear trend. I don’t understand it at all. It’s going to be garish in 6 months. What’s the point?
Here is something extraordinary though – I can imagine waltzing into a jam with these. Yes. Understated at first glance, and then the gold blinds you. Pure alchemy in the works.
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[...] The whole year disappears into a deep empty well. [...]
I share these sentiments.
I’m nearer a husk than a man.
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