Magdalena O!

My friend and I went to Casa Loma and Spadina House today because it was very sunny. We shot some video to experiment with. He worked in film for many years and I’m really excited to be milking his knowledge. The experiment is a prerequisite for a flourishing film body of work. Below are some stills. There was an earthworm near my foot and I picked it up and flung it around. I have always been disgusted by earthworms and always tried to avoid them for all of my life. And there I was, holding it, like the entire history of me and earthworms never existed. When it’s sunny everything is okay. I dropped a course because I need slowness and I’ve given up feeling guilty about it. I’m working on a VR project inspired by Valdrada, a city in Invisible Cities by Italo Calvino with some people. We are creating a hyper-real s(t)imulated environment of anxiety. J is still on tour and doing things like foraging mushrooms in Brighton, making music with Shitmat and playing crazy parties with displaced genre vinyl. I still haven’t learned how to roll cigarettes. Maybe it’s time to give up.

Les Amants is probably one of the greatest phrases among all languages to me. The Lovers. A lot of my online time is spent scouring the internet for photos not just of sexy and nude women but of couples engaged in erotic play/love/sex/desire-representing situations. So I started a tumblr blog last week to post up my many findings. So follow The Lovers! It will be good for all of us! Maybe I’ll post my own photos in there at some point. Maybe I can post your photos? I used to be so open about posting up my photographs online but I’ve retreated from it (but not fully!) because everyone is naked on the internet. Do I want to be ‘everyone’ too? Aren’t I ‘everyone’ already? What does it mean that we all (most) share the desire to expose ourselves online. I’m not an exhibitionist by traditional means, and it doesn’t really excite me to be exposed in public, at least not more than other things. But maybe because I’ve been doing it since I was about 15, when I got online and was able to upload my scanned photos on the internet. It’s a learned naturalized process for me.

LESAMANTS.TUMBLR.COM

*This is not me. It is a found photo.

Tumblr is creating a new wave of online exhibitions where anyone can be a curator. This is really fascinating especially when it comes to tumblr blogs presenting erotic photography that isn’t necessarily pornography. Tumblr has created a space for this to exist. A community that’s different that Flickr or DeviantArt. Tumblr blogs often have no contact information or context of who is presenting the images. This is quite different from typical blogs that situate the viewer within the author’s space.

Sometimes I feel like I am the only person in the world who doesn’t watch porn. I don’t watch porn because I haven’t found any porn I enjoy and I really really want to watch porn! I think it could be fun and engaging and inspiring to my own sex life and my own personal work. Recently a friend of mine sent me a link to some video on youporn and so I just watched it a few minutes ago. I didn’t find it appealing and I actually gagged at the end when the guy came onto the girls underwear. I responded to my friend asking her why is there no porn that looks like us and guys we fuck in our own lives? The guy in the video sounded like a douchebag and had a white cap backwards. How could I be possibly be turned on by the flailing around of his dick when every few seconds there is a shot of that awful baseball cap? I couldn’t. But the thought of someone I have the hots for caressing my breasts can turn me on while I sit on the bus. I’m often referred to as a ‘teenage boy’ because I get aroused so easily and so often and can make most situations sexual and arousing.

My history with porn is tricky. The first time I ever consciously looked at porn was online with a boyfriend. We were in his parent’s basement and we just googled some porn website. I was sitting on his lap and he was clicking through the photos. It didn’t last song because he found it repulsive. I didn’t really understand the aesthetic of it either. This was in the 90′s. I had another boyfriend who was really into porn but hid it from me because at the time I was in my feminist anti-porn stage. I got over that and then we were able to watch porn together. I bought a bunch of used VHS tapes from BMV. Yes used! It adds to the appeal. Shane’s World was my favorite series. It featured regular looking girls with little make up and the guys weren’t my type but were so generic it didn’t matter. I think the first time I ever had sex to porn was once in my flat we were watching Star Wars and then we started fucking; the dialogue from the film disturbed us so we put on Shane’s World. I had watched it on my own on a regular basis by that point but having it on while we fucked enlivened the experience. We were making noises and the tv was making noises too! It was a sex party!

I was into Shane’s World for a few years but then I moved on from VHS and couldn’t find any on DVD. When I finally found something comparable I watched it a few times but somehow grew out of it and my current boyfriend wasn’t much for watching it either. We made our own porn films and watched those instead. We mostly just filmed ourselves and projected it on our big screen tv. That was hotter for us than watching some strangers pretend to get off.

The main theme throughout my relationships was the creation of fantasy ourselves. With each partner I was able to use my/our narcissism as arousal. Foreign films also help this! In foreign films, sex is often complicated and dark and wrought with all the stuff I find hot in my own life.

I will have to write more on this. But in the meantime feel free to send me some porn please! Maybe you have found something out there I’ll love.

To situate the post here are some men  that if I were to see in porn, I’d probably watch on repeat for the rest of my life. To clarify, I’m also not really into objectifying men I don’t know. I know there is no chance of a sexual encounter with them, thus I see it as pointless. My fantasies always lie in the ‘possibility’ thus the men I do and have desired in my life, I have objectified to no end. But I won’t post them here for obvious reasons.

My belly is swollen, protruding. I hold it below my belly button. That spot. I would then run my palm up over my belly button and say, “Yes, here it is, here is our love.”

“Would you want me to carry y/our baby?”

If this was a book, then yes, it could happen right here, right now. I am always acting like I am in a book. You want reality, but I only know fantasy. I could one day stop taking my birth control and wait, prepare, massage my skin with oils, let it gain elasticity for its expansion, stop getting fucked up, start eating meat even!

I could learn to love meat. You could feed me real beef burgers and chicken wings. I would want more all the time, for all the years I despised meat. But nine months is a long time to be reading a book, maybe it is one of those serials that isn’t really a serial because serials aren’t serious literature. But it would still be a series of novels about the same character doing life in a way to relate to me, but having the ability to jump away with words and end just like that. Just like Catherine asked Jim to sit inside her car while she drove the car off the split in the bridge in Avignon. I was there looking at the bridge this summer. You have to pay to go on the bridge now. I didn’t want to pay to stand on a bridge, so it only exists from afar but close enough I could recognize it in films like Truffaut’s Jules et Jim. My Avignon bridge meant nothing but a way to make money, for Catherine it meant a way out of her neurosis, for Truffaut it meant a way to end the film dramatically but easily. Crazy women always get killed off in the end. Erica Jong talks about this, refusing to kill of Isadora Wing. Down with death! The world needs consequence without pitiful tragedy of funerals! A man can’t imagine follow-through on a life of a labyrinthine woman.