Magdalena O!

I can’t write anything here because what is there to write? All I do is write for school. Only a few more weeks before the semester is over. I am anxious. I want to excel. There is so much to complete. I feel unwell thinking about it all. I hate all my photos. I hate everything I’ve done so far. I don’t know anything anymore.

Yuula said it best. It’s exactly how I’ve been feeling  –  “my mood alternates between psychotic moments of ‘enlightenment’ and MURDEROUS RAGE.”

As time has gone on I’ve become more and more accepting of my own self-obsession. I think only in being aware and articulating it I can use it productively and not just have it be a superficial situation I struggle with. I don’t see a point in fighting it. I’ve grown up with being hyper-aware of the Gaze. I wish I had time to fully open up my thoughts to this idea. I am in no way saying it’s this simple at all, but I have so much to do and I slept until 5pm today! Wow! It was a dark sky when I woke up. Reminded me of those years before grad school when weekends were always dark. A VJ gig last night kept me up until 7am. I was in a horrible mood before the gig and at one point banged myself into myself at the party in a bratty tantrum. The amount of love I have for my dear supportive friends. A LOT! Seriously! Later, feeling totally discombobulated, I decided to whip out random clips I’ve had of myself and throw them up on the big projector. At one point I had all three layers different videos of my face. It got pretty ridiculous. But if you can’t be self-reflexive at a warehouse jam, then where can you put that praxis into play?!

It’s my birthday tomorrow. Yesterday we biked to the edge of Leslie Spit because it was very sunny & tried to ride as long as we could without holding our handlebars. If you click on the link, it is where the little blue pushpin is. Many people in Toronto don’t even know it exists or haven’t been there. It is oh so quiet! We saw a woodpecker! It was both our first time. I fumbled up the film & hopefully it won’t all be ruined. Tomorrow I will spend my birthday developing film with my friend Jon. It’s nice to bike in the cold wearing mitts. Today is all gray. The warmth is over, but at least I got to spend its last moments by the water. I milked the yellow warmth so much this autumn. I am so full of autumn. Now I am ready for the winter. Really ready. There is one more month of my first semester. To be frank, my life is pretty out of control right now.

This weekend I directed and starred in my first short film. It was very exhausting and exciting. Rolling back and forth made me so dizzy I nearly puked up and my stomach hurt for the rest of the day. Stripping down to my underwear over & over when the sun was nearly set was freezing. Realized a lot of things and mistakes after the fact. But it’s ok. I want to do more video projects, so much more. The original idea was scrapped on site when I realized that acting is not easy when you don’t know how to do it. So instead we were able to come up with something even more meaningful informed by the highly personal work of Sophie Calle and Miranda July and Vito Acconci‘s theories of performativity. It’s actually a fragmented voyeuristic narrative that takes place on the York University campus. It was made to be a GPS film, and the different clips will be triggered when the viewer steps into the ‘hot zone.’

Here are some stills.

Because it’s my birthday in ten days I’m allowed to look at beautiful things and imagine having them! I’m not into holidays at all but birthdays have always been really important to me. If we are friends, I may not talk to you for years, but if you invite me to your birthday, I will be there with something more fun than booze. You know.

So here are some things I am lusting over.

Maybe you want to send me love poetry, or mix tapes, or your hair, or tea? I’m ready for a pen pal.

Magda Olszanowski (no it is not my real address below, but a place I receive mail)
1214 Queen St W
Toronto, Ontario
M6J1J6

This designer, Yse is a dream, it must be.

I’m also desperate for a Buffalo Skull

Natural Historie Love

& the pièce de résistance from Litter

Mp3: Mazzy Star + Chemical Brothers; Asleep from Day (I can’t stop listening to this right now, right this very moment, it’s just there)

FLICKR PLEA!, originally uploaded by Magdalena O!.

My pro account is expiring on November 10, 2009! That’s really soon! And my birthday is on the 16th! It would be oh so lovely. It would be oh so nice. if you like my photos then please help. I’d owe you… really. <3

Update: This morning I received a wonderful email from Mark letting me know my account will be upgraded to Pro for another year. The kindness of strangers still happens. It has happened right now!