Sooooo… I am seriously considering doing either a second MA or PhD. The latter is obviously more appealing, as a. I don’t want to take more time in an MA course based environment and b. get on with my scholarly career (har har). But maybe I might have to in order to do what I want more specifically. I don’t really get why, but I notice a lot of people do that.
To make it more fun and complicated, I really want to do this in Europe. I am a EU citizen, however there’s all these laws saying I have to live in the country for a certain amount of time before I can pay home fees.
But, then there’s scholarships and fellowships and possibly funding from Canada too.
I will be 40K in debt by the time I’m done my MA, and my whole family is poor, so there will be no support there. Is this just ridiculous? I just can’t live in Canada anymore, at least for a bit ya know? I need to shake up my growing tunnel vision.
Anyone have any advice, whether you studied in UK, Denmark, Ireland, etc or you wanted to, or you know someone??
What is the level of academic rigor in Europe as opposed to in Canada. I know Erasmus Mundus is a bit of a joke. I have a friend in the Communication MA and he’s done nothing but travel around Europe and get paid for it. So obviously this is not what I want, but I am also not super ultra super genius, so there is that fear too.
I’m a Cultural Studies MA hoping to graduate summer/fall 2011. Want to further do Cultural Studies/New Media Studies PhD.
Maybe suggestions for programs? Suggestions on what to do? I am totally open to all at this time.
A series of interviews with a Polish ex-pat living in Toronto and a Parisian newcomer to Toronto, Canada where we, the philosophizing wanna-be’s, discuss the acquisition of language, and how that that gets manifested in our own consciousness and interactions with the self and the Other.
I hope to also make more videos about the intersection of language and psychoanalysis, particularly the coalescing of French and English, to help with my own frustrations and anxieties as the subject-in-process in language.
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We have been wanting to do interviews for so long because we have these ridiculously long discussions about language all the time, and now I had access to a camera and we just did it. It’s really helpful for me, especially working through editing interviews in post-processing including the negotiation of deciding what is important within the YouTube 10 minute time frame. Maybe some people will enjoy it, or relate to it, and hopefully give me feedback.
This is me at Leslie Spit last year. It's my favorite place in Toronto!! The photo is all grainy because it had to be pulled to the extreme, because I opened the camera twice + it had serious light leakage.
I went out last night to see Hudson Mohawke. I have no money or time, but he was so phenomenal in New York last year, I thought it could give me some energy to get back to my school work and maybe make it okay to be out. Of course, it didn’t. The DJ before him was terrible (even though his taste in music is excellent), and it really upset me. The thing is, that people I know were all saying the same thing about how much he was just ridiculous but I’m the one with no social reservations posting about it on Twitter in public and to the said DJ. Of course, no one else would say anything but niceties, and I’m not saying that they should have to publicly confirm all their thoughts, but it usually ends up being me out there, me, the asshole. I guess, I could just keep quiet, and only say things in private, and be one of those Yes Man’s. but that seems so weird to me. How can change ever occur without some sort of revolt? Of course my comments, instead of being productive get misinterpreted as bitchy opinions, and that’s partly my fault because of the way I communicate them. Opinions are pretty useless most of the time, because they don’t provide any new perspectives. To be concrete and not espouse a musical opinion of his actual performance (because shit, even though many people disliked it, maybe I don’t get what he was trying to do), the DJ lacked vibes and know-how, unable to do justice to any of the great songs. But, maybe he’s just having an off-night, maybe I should just not concern myself so much. Am I being apologetic for my comments now? Maybe not apologetic, but wishing I had reacted differently, wishing that I hadn’t gave myself over to the negativity when I decided to give a shit for a moment, but yeah, it was my money and time, so it makes sense I would, but then to give so much of my needed energy to it too? I guess that’s what I’m frustrated with. In a larger context, I’m trying to figure out why I get so enraged, and why I can’t just let things roll off me.
So no, I didn’t really get to dance, because by the time Hudson Mohawke came on I felt serious misanthropy and frustration. His set was also less than 50 minutes and totally disjointed. The tunes he has are amazing and he played this one tune that made me lose it with some crazy Enya type vocals and he did play Polkadot Blues (!!!), but I could have just stayed home and listened to song after song instead of giving myself all this anxiety. I wonder why it was set up like a concert, song, pause, song, pause, song. Totally different than in New York when it was a full 2-hour cohesive performance, and although the crowd was loving it, I think it’s difficult to lose yourself in the music with long silent breaks between. And I didn’t go to a rock concert, I went to a party, a party that I paid full price to go see, and this is what I get? People moshing. By the end of the night, the enemies I was making out of everyone stacked up high against me.
I really should not go out any more, I have lost the ability to ‘act’ within the social codes of conduct. I am alienating myself from all the people I used to know, ousting myself from the bare minimum of belonging I used to have. “I’m so horrible,” I said to j last night, to which he responded, “No, you are just passionate.” The thing is that all of this does come out of a need for good shit. When there’s something undoubtedly good, I can never fault it, despite personal opinion. I just can’t, and fuck, I throw all of myself into things that I love, giving them all of my energy zealously. But, maybe I should drop the expectations. But, maybe I want to have expectations of performance and of skill (not that I assume myself some ultimate judge but I can only relate to something through my interpretation). I would hope that people would have the same for me, that people would call me on any bullshit, or disagree with me. I want that. I am yearning for the battle, because I’m unsure of myself, and would love some productive honesty. Maybe all this rage is totally misplaced? I know it isn’t always, but this rage didn’t fuel me at all, just pronounced the disappointment I felt with the night.
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There’s a lot more things happening in my life, exciting things, but also many things I have to be responsible for and make decisions about, and I have serious problems taking on decisions even if once I have accepted the decision, I go head first. These are the many things to write about, not this ramble. Lesson Learned ya?
On March 16 from 7:20am-10:40am, me and two of my classmates Ian Devenney & Sara Udow took an uphill 16km walk/jog from downtown Toronto to York University campus.
Photos by all of us.
Some of our hopes, although not expectations were:
to strengthen (or perhaps destroy) our friendship and to learn about each other and through each other’s coping mechanisms during the arduous trek
to reflect on what the commute means to those of us who live downtown but travel up to York on a regular basis
Why is the commute so dreaded by all? What is it abut the York campus that makes it so cold and harsh? Is the commute to York just the same? On a concrete level, how difficult is it to get there without access to cars and/or public transit? How does it look like?
How can we transform the commute for ourselves, and allow it to give us new perspective(s)?
How does photographic documentation change the experience in the present moment and does it strengthen the experience through its inherent archivability?
It was really nice in the middle of the week, actually it’s been really nice the last several days here in Toronto, so I have been trying to find any and all excuses to bike everywhere. I met up with a close friend of mine down by the water in the east end to go to Leslie Spit, a wonderfully serene spot in Toronto that many friends of mine don’t know about or at least have never been there. The tip of it goes as far as the tip of the Island, but you have to take a ferry to get from mainland to the Island so you can imagine it can go very far. We sat on rocks and ate cold salad and drank Muskoka Cream Ale before I attempted to take photos. I am always so excited to take photos but when I get on location I become so ambivalent and it takes me a lot of self-convincing to get out my camera, especially when it’s cold and windy. But lately I have been trying to get to edges of pain and bodily function, to try to get to the edge to get there, to eventually try to stretch the boundaries. In a very physical sense, spinning did that to me a lot. I miss spinning and the pain threshold limits constantly being challenged at the same time as being exceeded, similar to the notion of negativity that Kristeva discusses and takes from Hegel to mean a previously conceived limit of consciousness that is exceeded but incorporated as consciousness develops.
I’ve been studying philosophy a lot these days, I’ve also been studying French theory and structural and post-structural semiotics. I never realized that semiotics could be so fascinating and so exciting. Maybe it’s because I am getting cozy with Kristeva and she posits that semiotics must be studied alongside psychoanalysis (aka Semanalysis) to create a meaningful study of the subject (me and you and everyone we know) and its process of signification. It feels good to be into this so much right now, I need it.
There is two weeks of the semester left. I missed the second instalment of the Augmented Reality Lab Show, missing my GPS Film in action as an iPod app. I will have to go and see it soon!
Do you want to come shoot with me sometime? Do you want me to take photos of you? Let’s.
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I sometimes post music links. If you want yours taken down let me know. & for the rest of you, if you don't buy music & just d/l links, you should feel like an asshole.
