I’ve been seeing black space when I think about my future. Like literally, I think about the future and I see a giant black formless mass inside my head. This blackness has been consistent since early this year, or maybe even late last year. Mitsu and I have talked about this ongoing process for a while. He seems to think it’s an opening of my container that signifies a (positive) break. I think it’s most likely death, and not for the better. In the last couple of months my life has been turned around, and everything I used to think was true isn’t and everything I had sorted in my head is a giant mess, but yet this complete shattering of my life which has left me paralyzed and in tears most days doesn’t seem to be enough. I have a strong feeling that something really drastic needs to happen. Something that will shake me physiologically and psychologically – a transformation with deep recesses. The gravity is getting stronger. I am anxious and excited. Tomorrow is my birthday.
Everything keeps going wrong, like in a comedy-of-errors, where something ostensibly great and joyful turns stressful and problematic and devastating – one after the other. I am totally predicting my future here, even if it is unknown. Oh maybe cos turbulence can be predicted?