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November 15th, 2010 § 6 comments

I’ve been seeing black space when I think about my future.  Like literally, I think about the future and I see a giant black formless mass inside my head. This blackness has been consistent since early this year, or maybe even late last year. Mitsu and I have talked about this ongoing process for a while. He seems to think it’s an opening of my container that signifies a (positive) break. I think it’s most likely death, and not for the better. In the last couple of months my life has been turned around, and everything I used to think was true isn’t and everything I had sorted in my head is a giant mess, but yet this complete shattering of my life which has left me paralyzed and in tears most days doesn’t seem to be enough. I have a strong feeling that something really drastic needs to happen. Something that will shake me physiologically and psychologically – a transformation with deep recesses. The gravity is getting stronger. I am anxious and excited. Tomorrow is my birthday.

Everything keeps going wrong, like in a comedy-of-errors, where something ostensibly great and joyful turns stressful and problematic and devastating – one after the other. I am totally predicting my future here, even if it is unknown. Oh maybe cos turbulence can be predicted?

Scorpio rising.

§ 6 Responses to Drasticity"

  • […] 2010 / 2009 / 2009 / 2008 / 2008 / 2007 / 2006 / 2005 / 2003 / 2001 / 2001 […]

  • […] people I meet invite me to do, but I can’t, I just can’t. Those situations just create larger gaping holes in my/the container, but the kind that promote a dull ache everywhere. I want to spend my time outside on a bike, in a […]

  • […] in relation to me would express all of my heat as a rainbow of colors — the image of the container came back with acute precision. At that moment I realized that there’s something beyond the […]

  • Yuula says:

    oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! xx

  • Yuula says:

    I see black space too

  • Rosel says:

    I have no real wisdom to share, except to say I felt a very similar feeling of darkness last year. But I have to say I've felt more centred, more sane and more positive about my life since this (academic) year began without the stress of being an academic. I feel that academia can be really great, but it can also suck us into this black hole where we feel we only exist in a tiny bubble of misery. But you can get through it, and life can be so much more than just a tiny bubble of misery. And there's nothing wrong with saying you need a break, recharge, and go back later.

Hi hi... your words mean everything to me.