I’ve been seeing black space when I think about my future. Like literally, I think about the future and I see a giant black formless mass inside my head. This blackness has been consistent since early this year, or maybe even late last year. Mitsu and I have talked about this ongoing process for a while. He seems to think it’s an opening of my container that signifies a (positive) break. I think it’s most likely death, and not for the better. In the last couple of months my life has been turned around, and everything I used to think was true isn’t and everything I had sorted in my head is a giant mess, but yet this complete shattering of my life which has left me paralyzed and in tears most days doesn’t seem to be enough. I have a strong feeling that something really drastic needs to happen. Something that will shake me physiologically and psychologically – a transformation with deep recesses. The gravity is getting stronger. I am anxious and excited. Tomorrow is my birthday.
Everything keeps going wrong, like in a comedy-of-errors, where something ostensibly great and joyful turns stressful and problematic and devastating – one after the other. I am totally predicting my future here, even if it is unknown. Oh maybe cos turbulence can be predicted?
Scorpio rising.
I have no real wisdom to share, except to say I felt a very similar feeling of darkness last year. But I have to say I’ve felt more centred, more sane and more positive about my life since this (academic) year began without the stress of being an academic. I feel that academia can be really great, but it can also suck us into this black hole where we feel we only exist in a tiny bubble of misery. But you can get through it, and life can be so much more than just a tiny bubble of misery. And there’s nothing wrong with saying you need a break, recharge, and go back later.
I see black space too
oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! xx
[...] in relation to me would express all of my heat as a rainbow of colors — the image of the container came back with acute precision. At that moment I realized that there’s something beyond the [...]