28 juliet 11:16
I live too much in metaphors, in parables and allegories. I cannot see the literal or direct in anything. This weakens me because I cannot grasp simplicity. To me everything is full of layers. This I my inertia. I cannot touch the core of anything because the core does not exist without its cover and the covers are so symbolic it is impossible to weed through them to find the core.
29 juliet 17:16
I feel so stifled unable to speak and undertand French fully. I want to read it and have the words come out of me.
30 juliet 18:10
The beach is full of people. There are more children than adults. I wonder if these children know how lucky they are to experience belle ile.
I submerged my hair in the water and the salty smell washed over me.
1 Aout 00:43
I am tipsy on one bottle of leffe. They offered me a bottle of beer! I felt like I’m starting to belong. Not that i really care to waste my time hanging out anyway There is a belgian woman here that i connect with. She speaks English at least so I have someone. She asked if i want to go to the beach with her tomorrow i said im not sure when I am going. I like my alone time with the beach. Plus, to be nude in front of her. I Could just not give a shit. Strangers. Yet I get so affected. Tonight we made bread again. It is much better here without the cold Austrian girls. I can manage the detachment of the older people if I have people my own age to get along with. Slim, the son and bread chef is 27. His girlfriend is 26 and polish. She is from the village yet tries to out-class me with her knowledge of french. I laugh inside. I dont mind it here like I used to. I’ve come to know the adults are French snobs. I am desperate to wash my hair but I can’t use non-organic shampoo. I have to write my story in Avignon. I still have no plan. Maybe i feel better because I was able to write and digest my life. When there is nothing to explore I panic. Orstance, said I had an enlightened experience when I told her that when I first looked over the cliff in Plage de herlin I looked away because I couldn’t bare its beauty was real. That has never happened to me before. I felt shy with the ocean. Its beauty overwhelmed me and I felt like it was too personal to look at. I felt like I didn’t have the right to take part in its luminance. How silly of me to feel timid at beauty. Me who dives for it constantly. My need for aesthetics thwarts me.
Today I lived for the day and not in waiting for the future.
That is the core of my happiness. Living out the day for what it is and taking every moment to be important and neccessary. That is joy. Yes.
1 aout 17:17
Orstance. She is born on November 11. She is Belgian. She looks so strange. She doesn’t stop telling stories. She is so alive. She’s studying psychology at the masters level. She loves to observe and write about people she meets. We talked candidly about the disconnect here. “but my two friends I came to see love it here.” we are the only two that sense the lack of coherence. It is a lack of understanding and love, She says. If a person is open with themselves they will be open to people. She believes their wwoofing is a matter of habit not of sharing organic farming expression. She continues, It is not even a farm magda! Nothing grows here and there are no animals. The only animals are cats and dogs. And several of them are sick and dying. It is a overpriced organic boutique shop on large property. She says everything I have been feeling. She sees like me. She is religious. She hitchhiked into la palais to go to mass. At lunch the adults talk about her. The slang and rapidity of their words is lost on me. all I hear is her name and laughter. They are amused by her. She is carefree. They are chained to their image of Self and Life. She is stronger and richer than them. She does not ridicule or judge. She lives in a commune in the woods in Belgium. Mostly she hitchhikes alone through the world. I want to bring her to Canada but I don’t know what would impress such travelled eyes. I imagine I am similar to her and peoples perceptions of our untamed character. It splits at my beauty. She is sensual but looks like a man. Even though I feel people still are secretly afraid And jeleous of her like they would be of me. Her looks are safe. Mine are dangerous to me. I tried to hitchhike in high school. It ended badly even though it is a source of my fantasies often. I wasn’t so naive to let anything detrimental happen. We are alone in this place. We are only two. “when people have bad and dwindling energy, be careful, the whole place they live in manifests that. It could tangle and affect your energy. Be aware and you can not let them do that.” she tells me.