Magdalena O!

“Suis-je amoureux ?”- Oui puisque j’attends.”
L’autre, lui n’attend jamais. Parfois, je veux jouer à celui qui n’attend pas; J’essaye de m’occuper ailleurs, d’arriver en retard; mais à ce jeu je perds toujours: quoique je fasse, je me retrouve désoeuvré, exact, voire en avance. L’identité fatale de l’amoureux n’est rien d’autre que: je suis celui qui attend.”
– Roland Barthes

Being in love is the best and most important feeling in the whole world. Nothing motivates unless I am in love. My friend D teases me about this a lot. Many times I will bring something or someone up to him and gush about how amazing and wonderful it or they are.

— “You think everything/everyone is amazing!”
— “No! I am so critical and judgmental! But I am also unabashedly in love with a lot, and want to express it as much as I can.”

Funny (sad?!) that most people think I am an ice queen, selfish, and unapproachable. Probably, because I’m sure I come off that way. Physical face-to-face interactions are weird. I never know how to be or what to say, so I usually just end up promoting myself as a spectacle. I am easily amused by myself, and so an adventure always follows me around.

I tan a lot. People have a lot of judgmental things to say about tanning. People have a lot of judgmental things to say about a lot of shit. HELP ME BE LESS JUDGMENTAL!

Oh, yes, back to being in love. Being in love is like this special sheath you get to wear and it gives you magical powers!

like…

being able to see clearly and with the saturation on +10, having the ability to focus on all your work, having enough energy to do ANYTHING even if you haven’t slept because you’ve been making love for days, having beautiful skin because  the blood is racing through your body constantly making everything glow, finding inspiration in everything, forming a world with your lover, seeing the world through their eyes…

I remember when I fell in love the summer of 2010 with my documentary project, before I even contacted anyone, before I even knew what it would become. I wanted to devote all of myself to it, and the love grew and grew and grew and I was so willing to give myself to it, willing to give all of my time, all of my energy to it, and it, in turn gave me so much of itself back.

Why did I not finish it? Why did I get carried away with my doctoral work as if that can be finished later? Why do I discard my work so quickly? FOLLOW THROUGH.

New loves again & again – disposable – New loves turning over make me full of unrequited love for the past, make me intensely sentimental and regretful for the past projects I was in love with and gave up because something else became more convenient. Now my shoulders slouch from the weight of the unresolved past, and my scoliosis keeps curving in. Moving on like this is never moving on, but stuck in all the places all at once, never being able to be in the ‘now.’ Like Erica Jong writes, “I look forward and see myself looking back.”

france 2004

Incredible pairing of my favorite artists, Louise Bourgeois & Tracey Emin (reliving their past) ! I can’t stop looking at this. It’s so unapologetic.

From Huffington Post:

“Before her death recently at the age of 98, Louise Bourgeois had just finished work on a series of prints with Tracey Emin, which they had collaborated on during the last two years of the artist’s life. Bourgeois had composed a series of 16 profiled torsos in gouache and Emin had ‘responded’ by adding drawings over them with text and ink.”

Louise Bourgeois and Tracey Emin, 2010 / Portrait by Brigitte Cornand

For my Process Cinema class with film-maker Phil Hoffman, he’s pushed us to explore shooting in 16mm, more specifically with the Bolex and hand-processing our own film. There’s an added warmth and depth to the 16mm that even a 35mm shot can’t get. I’m still learning how to use it. My first day out with it on my own last month was exciting, except I forgot to wind the lever to wind the film each time, so I only shout about 30 feet of tape. Even though I walked  the clunker and my tripod all the way to the lake and back, even getting a few seconds of film was so rewarding. I expected nothing to come out, but the fast shots were beautiful and I used the light meter correctly (!). The Bolex needs a lot of light, because it’s 12 ASA so one of the most common mistakes is underexposing the film. Although you can dip the film in bleach, that creates a certain effect that you might not want. I did a reversal process with mine rather than a negative process for higher contrast and better image quality even though it takes much longer. But I love the patience and focus of working in analog. I don’t do it often. If you have a chance to use one, do it. I’ve been getting quite addicted the past few months. Watching Kelly O’Brien’s work-in-progress about her son has also shifted my understanding of cinema and production. Kelly is film-maker and the co-founder of Splice This! Toronto’s annual super-8 film festival. I wanted to link the festival website, but it’s gone as is any coherent information on it. I remember the festival because my old boss Christina Zeidler showed her films at it. In a strange way, not being able to find something online kind of feels like it never existed. Further search brings that Christina is on the Board of Directors of a new 8mm/Super 8 festival called The 8 Fest that started in 2008, two years after Splice This! finished. I must say considering some of the cross-over of people, that it’s surprising they don’t make a mention of Splice This! as a precursor to what they’re doing, because they obviously started the new festival to fill in the gap after Splice This! finished.

…

Today I had two rolls (200′), unloaded and loaded them all myself. I hope it turned out. A Bolex only takes 100′ of film at a time because of its size, which translates to about 2.5 minutes each at 24 fps. It also only shoots about 30′ of film  at a time with the spring motor.  It’s incredibly impractical and necessities constant creative negotiation. I brought a field recorder with me to record the sound as I was shooting, but it’s best to just apprehend the images for now. Taking it slow is all I want right now.

Do I look like I’m trying to walk in Jane Goodall’s footsteps in the top shot? I feel it (quite abstractly of course). I’d love to shoot a color 16mm one day soon! Maybe even Super 16 if I have the chops. Super 16 is 16mm film “but extends the image into what was formerly the soundtrack area of the original negative. This provides not only a larger image, but one that is already in wide-screen ratio. Thus, Super 16 requires less magnification when blowing up to 35mm, and hence there is a much smaller loss in quality.” link

Some films I love shot in Super 16: Clerks, Chasing Amy, Party Girl, Raising Victor Vargas. The Ballad of Jack and Rose, The Squid and the Whale, The Constant Gardener.

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WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN 2010?

I’ve been playing with bubbles and stuff, because we are all circles. I’ve also painted my first portrait with ink and brush. It was an almost life-size cylon head. Go figure. All I do now is think about and watch Battlestar Galactica. J and I salute each other now when we say good-bye. Everything that has happened before will happen again & again & again. When is the first time of something happening? When do you know it’s an original experience?

Some days I resign to believing I will never be a ‘squirter.’ My g-spot is always on the run.

I talked to a friend on Skype today. Skype is like friendship blueballs. You see them and hear them, but you are both not there so instead you are just talking to your laptop. Maybe that’s why typing is better, because it is what it is. I love communicating through text. I can’t get used to talking at my computer even though I have been doing it for years.

Oh & this is a self-portrait not resembling me in any way drawn in one continuous line just a mere moment ago.

I have to go back to Montreal just to see this exhibition,

At the heart of this exhibition is a break-up e-mail that the artist received from a lover, which ends with the line “Take Care of Yourself”. Sophie Calle decided to do just that. “I received an email telling me it was over…I asked 107 women (including two made from wood and one with feathers), chosen for their profession or skills, to interpret this letter…”

Originally produced for the French Pavilion at the 2007 Venice Biennale, PRENEZ SOIN DE VOUS consists of texts, photos, films and voices of 107 women of all ages who interpret the break-up letter through their various professions. This poetic and often touching project speaks to us all about our relation to the loved one.

Text projected on the body is one of my favorite things. It excites me. Sophie Calle excites me. Montreal excites me. It is a win-win. Now, I just have to find enough money to go before October 19, 2008.

Also, tonight was the opening of Please. + Thank You Too at the Gladstone, and I had a piece in it, a painting of my vagina with one of my used tampons hanging from it. I also walked around with a bag of my tampons to hand out. People would touch them, and when they found out what it was they promptly walked away. Someone told me it was gross and inappropriate, others asked if it was real, another asked if I had covered it with anything to which I responded, “Nothing, just pulled it out and let it dry.”

No one advertised the exhibition, we did nothing to promote it. What a shame, for a non-curated show I was quite impressed with some of the talent.

Oh and I lost one of the closest, most intense friends(hips) I’ve ever had last week. Reynolds Number was always with us.