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MOVING (OUT/AWAY)

June 21st, 2010 § 4 comments § permalink

I AM SO BUSY! Who isn’t busy though right? Always “busy.” On Friday I am off to Amsterdam to study Digital Methods at the University of Amsterdam for two months. I have been packing my life up for the last few days because I am also moving out of my apartment. The Skylight House has kept me for over three years. That’s the longest I’ve lived anywhere since I moved out on my own ten years ago. Mostly, it’d be several months here and there. I am uneasy because as soon as I moved in here, I told myself I will stay here until something really large happens upon my life to totally change it. I don’t see it (now?) I’m putting all of my things in a warehouse for the summer until I return in September, when I will attempt to find a place to live as fast as possible. For now, I am taking much too long packing. It is so impossible to efficiently move when you get lost in recalling and remembering all the sentimental junk you’ve been keeping that must be read and looked over! Teenage love letters are a crucial interjection to the exhaustion of sifting papers.

70 days in Europe. Summer in Europe (again). IF everything works out, I’ll stay a bit longer to go to Sun & Bass. Maybe I can sneak my way in to VJ somehow. I want to befriend some VJ’s and people who play with video in Amsterdam! WHOA! I am actually wanting to make friends?! Are you a Dutch friend? I need to be shaken up so much. The stagnation of familiarity has put up too many walls too high. I might go take the train to see some people while I am there if I can find some extra monies.

Things I want to accomplish there (while studying and raving):

  • learn Max/MSP
  • my Thesis Project Proposal
  • bike around the northern Holland coast
  • read a book in French (even a short one)
  • go stalking in Warsaw
  • re-form the whole way I approach taking photos
  • make contacts for a PhD
  • make a short film

Everything is in flux at this moment. I wonder if I will be able to produce an original piece of new media work to complete my MA for Summer 2011? All I have so far is rumination all day and night. How long did it take you to be sure? How long can you contemplate and research before you must put something down? When do you know this is it? Do you just feel it? I am skeptical of the transformative deconstructive ‘magic moment,’ even though it has occurred in my life a few times. What am I really wanting to know? What do I want you to know? I don’t have the answer.

Katharine Tillman, a woman from New York that I have been obsessed with for many years has been posting so many fascinating article links on Twitter. One of them was from Slate about Elizabeth Loftus and memory. My selective memory is one the things I am so proud of yet comes out of having serious difficulty remembering anything that follows a linear logic (such as names, tasks, directions, etc… even causal relationships). I think that is why post-structuralist theory and philosophy make so much sense to me, at least one of the reasons – because I remember and then can synthesize and understand it. How can I train myself to recall things and ideas that follow a successive order … ? Do I need to? … or am I doomed from playing with mercury as a child?

I am so glad I am leaving in time for the G8/G20 Summit in Toronto. Our streets have been taken over by cops that aren’t just for show but actually stop people at their leisure if they’re engaging in potentially ‘dangerous’ activities such as taking photographs of buildings. The downtown core has been stripped of newspaper boxes, bike locks and even trees have been uprooted to prevent protestors from using the branches as weapons. There’s a giant fence that keeps reminding me of the Jewish ghetto in Warsaw. I don’t have much thoughts on it because I’ve been so enclosed in my life of studying and packing, but mainly because I am in shock at the whole situation and what this is doing to my city and to us, and how can we have protocols in place to prevent this from taking over a city again. The amount of money that is drained from US, from all of us taxpayers that had no choice but to accept the Summit here. How can it be that the money I am giving to my government can be used AGAINST me (I am thinking particularly of protestors, people that live in the core, etc.)? FUCK.

Ok, my next post will probably be from Europe — I am including a photo of Sara and I from Montréal when we presented at Congress 2010 on “Digital Storytelling Pedagogical Intervention” and a photo of my dear friend Meichen showing off her culinary loves. Meichen is doing a residency at Parsons Paris this summer and Sara is travelling to Vienna to take part in the Ultimate Frisbee World Championships.

Also, do you follow me on your RSS reader? Just make it happen.

OK BYE! Now I am baking organic spelt flour oatmeal raising walnut cookies for my class tomorrow. I hope there is enough. I mean, I hope I don’t eat them all first.

Misanthropy

March 26th, 2010 § 1 comment § permalink

This is me at Leslie Spit last year. It's my favorite place in Toronto!! The photo is all grainy because it had to be pulled to the extreme, because I opened the camera twice + it had serious light leakage.


I went out last night to see Hudson Mohawke. I have no money or time, but he was so phenomenal in New York last year, I thought it could give me some energy to get back to my school work and maybe make it okay to be out. Of course, it didn’t. The DJ before him was terrible (even though his taste in music is excellent), and it really upset me. The thing is, that people I know were all saying the same thing about how much he was just ridiculous but I’m the one with no social reservations posting about it on Twitter in public and to the said DJ. Of course, no one else would say anything but niceties, and I’m not saying that they should have to publicly confirm all their thoughts,  but it usually ends up being me out there, me, the asshole. I guess, I could just keep quiet, and only say things in private, and be one of those Yes Man’s. but that seems so weird to me. How can change ever occur without some sort of revolt? Of course my comments, instead of being productive get misinterpreted as bitchy opinions, and that’s partly my fault because of the way I communicate them. Opinions are pretty useless most of the time, because they don’t provide any new perspectives. To be concrete and not espouse a musical opinion of his actual performance (because shit, even though many people disliked it, maybe I don’t get what he was trying to do), the DJ lacked vibes and know-how, unable to do justice to any of the great songs. But, maybe he’s just having an off-night, maybe I should just not concern myself so much. Am I being apologetic for my comments now? Maybe not apologetic, but wishing I had reacted differently, wishing that I hadn’t gave myself over to the negativity when I decided to give a shit for a moment, but yeah, it was my money and time, so it makes sense I would, but then to give so much of my needed energy to it too? I guess that’s what I’m frustrated with. In a larger context, I’m trying to figure out why I get so enraged, and why I can’t just let things roll off me.

So no, I didn’t really get to dance, because by the time Hudson Mohawke came on I felt serious misanthropy and frustration. His set was also less than 50 minutes and totally disjointed. The tunes he has are amazing and he played this one tune that made me lose it with some crazy Enya type vocals and he did play Polkadot Blues (!!!), but I could have just stayed home and listened to song after song instead of giving myself all this anxiety. I wonder why it was set up like a concert, song, pause, song, pause, song. Totally different than in New York when it was a full 2-hour cohesive performance, and although the crowd was loving it, I think it’s difficult to lose yourself in the music with long silent breaks between. And I didn’t go to a rock concert, I went to a party, a party that I paid full price to go see, and this is what I get? People moshing. By the end of the night, the enemies I was making out of everyone stacked up high against me.

I really should not go out any more, I have lost the ability to ‘act’ within the social codes of conduct. I am alienating myself from all the people I used to know, ousting myself from the bare minimum of belonging I used to have. “I’m so horrible,” I said to j last night, to which he responded, “No, you are just passionate.” The thing is that all of this does come out of a need for good shit. When there’s something undoubtedly good, I can never fault it, despite personal opinion. I just can’t, and fuck, I throw all of myself into things that I love, giving them all of my energy zealously. But, maybe I should drop the expectations. But, maybe I want to have expectations of performance and of skill (not that I assume myself some ultimate judge but I can only relate to something through my interpretation). I would hope that people would have the same for me, that people would call me on any bullshit, or disagree with me. I want that. I am yearning for the battle, because I’m unsure of myself, and would love some productive honesty. Maybe all this rage is totally misplaced? I know it isn’t always, but this rage didn’t fuel me at all, just pronounced the disappointment I felt with the night.

.

There’s a lot more things happening in my life, exciting things, but also many things I have to be responsible for and make decisions about, and I have serious problems taking on decisions even if once I have accepted the decision, I go head first. These are the many things to write about, not this ramble. Lesson Learned ya?

What’s important

February 7th, 2010 § 0 comments § permalink

I keep thinking about what the most important things in life are. I dislike discourse on ‘lying’ because I think discussing truth is really complicated and often problematic within our cultural confines. To me, lying is just another fragmented truth in the cat’s cradle arrangement. Authenticity is more of what I’m after. But above all that, what I’ve really been thinking about is hypocrisy and how I want to work towards removing any hypocrisy in my life. Gah! Now, if only everyone I knew would want to all work together to eradicate this without a right/wrong dichotomous way and be comfortable in calling out contradictions, holla!

Would you also be okay in engaging with me about your on hypocrisy? Really? Really?

outputting.

February 4th, 2010 § 2 comments § permalink

I have three photographs in the X and O Show put on by LoverMagazine.com on February 13, 2010. This is my first time exhibiting photographs that aren’t printed yet, so I have to get them properly digitally printed and framed and I’m really nervous because it’s expensive and possibly time consuming. At the moment, taking a poo is time-consuming so…. following is more things that are happening outside of writing essays in the next few weeks because why not?

I am going to be exhibiting some of my ‘future cinema’ work at the York University Augmented Reality Lab Open House Show next week.

I thought I was going to miss my cubic centimeter of chance so I got really flustered and made things a bit messy in the midst of all this unintentionally but I don’t like messy so it’s been contained.

Shitmat/Henry is coming for a gig on the 12th. He is gonna stay at our place for a bit on the condition he will cook for us (or at least once) because he’s always cooking. I’m borrowing a video camera from school again so we’re going to try to make a video and edit it all while he’s here. That’s my plan anyway. I think Henry is one of the most gentlest creatures I’ve ever met. Even among his constant hysteria and fits, he is such a soft cat. Plus he’s ridiculously talented.

I am VJ’ing at a Sensoria/Embrace collaboration party featuring Untold on the 14th.

I have also been getting serious driving lessons with my dad and last week I drove on Bathurst and crossed intersections in Forest Hill! It was very intense, especially when driving up Lonsdale I wanted to make a left turn and he got nervous because he doesn’t know the Toronto roads and grabbed the steering wheel from my hands to turn back into the middle lane and it was Saturday afternoon, so the cars were coming from every direction but I kept it smooth. After he saw me react with such strength he eased up and let me drive around. I gotta say though, practicing parking from the back is hard!

this moment – right now

April 10th, 2009 § 0 comments § permalink

Anytime I am looking to make sense of life I turn to Mitsu

At each moment, I say to myself, suppose I were at the end of my life, and I were transported back to this moment, to be able to live my life again.  I’m here, new, the first moment of my second chance.  What do I do with it?

We always think of ourselves as at the end of a long history which we imagine is trapping us, defining us and our world; our mistakes, our successes. But if we thought of this moment as a fresh beginning, rather than the end of a history of events, we would see there are vast possibilities in our present moment now. We don’t have to keep doing what we’ve been doing. If we had a second chance, we could do anything, we have the whole wide world in front of us… would we just repeat our past patterns or joyously start fresh?

There’s no reason why, as adults, we have to restrict ourselves to our habits, our knee-jerk reactions, our comfort zone. We can start over, every fresh new moment, with all our knowledge and experience, but not constrained by it but simply informed by it. Simple yet it’s hard to even notice we’re treating our lives as a great big experiment in repetition and not paying attention.

Not paying attention, because: if we really were paying attention, we wouldn’t jump to conclusions quite so readily, we wouldn’t be so sure our story was true, was fact, was set in stone. We would be a little more open to the possibility that we don’t, in fact, know what our world is, what we are doing, and the limits of our world. If we had a moment to look at things new, with a little more doubt, we could see infinite spaces open up in between our judgements and thoughts, and perhaps we’d have a chance to flex ourselves in directions we didn’t even conceive of before.

The same goes for listening, reading, thinking … when we listen to something we’ve heard before, when we read something we’ve read before, or something like it, we tend not to actually think about it again, fresh, re-checking it, but instead we consult our memory and replace the fresh experience of the idea(s) with a memory of having encountered the thought before. We take the memory placeholder as a stand-in for the idea. But this is useless and harmful, for a number of reasons: the memory is itself embedded in habits and contexts which are no longer nearly as relevant now, by doing this, we fail to refresh and re-check the idea, so that it can be expanded beyond the confines of how it worked for us in the past, and we also deprive ourselves of the advantage of putting our minds through the process of thinking about the idea afresh, which is always the best way to “remember” anything — not by remembering it, but by recreating it from scratch. Don’t take that retread: the “memory” of an idea, which is mere propaganda.  Every idea has a vast new possibility of application with each moment; evolution, expansion, even refutation. An idea, repeated, can be a gateway to a new insight, even if we’ve heard it or read it or thought it a thousand times before, by re-thinking it, recreating it as though we’d never heard it before. It’s only then we have the chance to see new dimensions of it, and to reapply it to our ever-changing and always unique presence with the world. – synthetic zero

Permalink: http://www.syntheticzero.com/?p=135

& read this too: http://www.syntheticzero.com/?p=183

Taking Photos / It’s Very Sunny

April 5th, 2009 § 1 comment § permalink


me by toby 2002 + 2009

It was sunny for once in Toronto, so I met up with Toby to go hang out in the park. It’s so rare for me to do something that isn’t outside of itself. To just be in the moment. He gave me a large print he developed himself of a portrait he shot in 2002! That is seven fucking years ago. It comforts me that I have known him for nine years. It’s been a really full nine years. Not one of those I know you through partying peripheral friend nine years either. It comforts me that by this point we will probably be friends forever. We walked around the city, ate food and one of his ex-girlfriends was working at Clafouti, meaning we got our order free and she gave us a berry custard tart to take home. It was fun to take photos. We used to take a lot of photos. I used to take a lot of photos. I used to do a lot of a lot of things that I miss now. Always with the yen.

toronto / uk 2004
Lately, several of my old lovers have told me that, “You and J really fit together.” It has an effect on you when someone that was the love of your life tells you that because they know you in that way better than any of your friends. I trust my old lovers because they all lived and died with me. I am all of them now. They are all in me. I could never extract them and I would never want to.

The phrase isn’t unexpected, but I was still very pleasantly surprised to hear such words come… all within the same time frame. Is it because I, myself, feel really strongly about us? I’m trying to be less erratic and forceful and maybe that actually works. It’s been so many years. I don’t write directly about my relationship in here too much, only because I feel it’s something I want to keep to myself, because as laid out I have made my feelings, there are parts of my life I can’t externalize, even if to many it appears the opposite.

I’m fired up about starting school again. It’s been three years. I will be critically engaging with cultural theory on a graduate level! It all seems so surreal. I’m totally romanticizing the whole experience, but I need it, I need to prove it to myself. I need that MA. I will also have access to all of Ryerson’s production facilities. I am making the promise now, that even with the stresses of school work I will use the facilities to their full extent.

x. 2009 is really kicking ass. I knew it would, but there was this nag behind the confidence that was worried maybe it wouldn’t all go as planned. Here I am. Dreams coming true. I’m going to graduate school. I am in love. I’m bringing Instra:mental to Toronto. I am going to travel Europe again. I finally met a girl that shares all my interests including music – a near impossible feat.
x. Last year, I told myself if I got into graduate school I would chop all my hair off to have it kind of like Jean Seberg in Breathless.
x. I’ve been listening to this Math + Science Machinedrum mix from 2007. I can’t find the link online anymore. It’s one of those sets you can just have on repeat for months.

Fucking people

January 15th, 2009 § 0 comments § permalink

I shouldn’t let coke-head mother fucking spineless lying assholes get to me, but I can’t fucking stand it when people talk shit about people I love, especially the one that I love the most. It is in those moments, my fervent loyalty goes overboard.


I feel sick to my stomach thinking about how a close friend that showed me they cared for me greatly & would be there for me (as i have been nothing but there for them through everything) has totally switched gears to be loyal to someone who has done nothing but talk shit about me & also not be supportive of them either. guh.

People are so fickle and have no backbone sometimes…
maybe i shouldn’t be so upset, maybe i should just remind myself of how weak this friend is, if they are able to do all that. but unlike them, i hold onto friendships and my own feelings zealously..

Funny enough the person I am talking about at the beginning of this post, is the same person I am referencing in the second part. However, the second part I wrote a while ago. But shitty people usually stay shitty.

I just need to cut all ties with those who aren’t everything to me & won’y stick up for me or him when needed. Why bother with anything less?

Grad School for fuck’s sakes.

December 10th, 2008 § 0 comments § permalink

I WISH THE PERSON I LOVED WOULD UNDERSTAND HOW MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY DRAINING IT IS TO APPLY TO GRAD SCHOOL.

I take everything so personally as it is, so here it is, the most personal you can get, selling yourself to be accepted for a Masters program. Being able to articulate your vision and entire life past, present and future in either 500 words or less for some programs or five pages for another. Plus portfolios and writing samples and chasing down professors!

I want to throw myself against the wall and scream at everyone I see. Luckily work has allowed me to go in only three days a week for the next short while. When I am there, I am in such a pissy mood and it’s so futile. All I can think about is the deadlines and getting it all in as fast as possible.

Is it too much to expect gentle, “how are you? let me come over with food! let me give you a massage? can i read to you?” instead of, “i am so stressed, i need to finish music, why do i have to commute so far to see you? why don’t you ever think about my feelings?”

Because I have two weeks to finish it all, and I already told you that I need this time and I need more support than ever. It’s not my fault I live downtown and you live with your parents out in the boondocks. I’m becoming a monster.

He’s in love!

December 9th, 2008 § 2 comments § permalink

My roommate Stevos is in love, with a wonderful girl who likes fancy food and is applying to grad school in Sweden. They are so meant for each other I’m already seeing their babies jump around in my head. I took some photos of them at this sex themed cum uninspiring closing party at Keep Six last week.

Dot Nose Weekend

December 7th, 2008 § 1 comment § permalink

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

cry if I want to

You would cry to if it happened to you

Imagine you throw an event and everything that can go wrong does. Everything short of the party not happening. But the party happened and it was rammed and people loved it. They wanted to go to there. I didn’t love it. I was a mess. From the moment I had to use j’s PC laptop (I’ve never really used a PC too much, especially not for anything other than checking the internet) to VJ because I wanted to buy Resolume 3 for my computer but I couldn’t at the time, everything just went dot nosed. I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t get the computer working properly with the projector in his copy of Resolume, and the screen would pop up PC preferences I knew nothing about backwards. Everyone at the club just sees amateur night, and I’m not amateur, I’m good. But not good enough when everything went pear shaped. I held in my frustration until finally I just started bawling and ran out. A was outside and he talked me down a bit, but it didn’t really relieve the total shit I was feeling. M tried too. I had taken so much time to get ready and to get the coolest clips that aren’t just funky shapes in neon colors mixed with graf train videos. I took the time to search and rip so many awesome clips.

I caused such a scene. It was unnecessary and created more negative energy than was worth. I just couldn’t stop crying. I felt/feel like I let everyone down and made myself look like a joke in the process. Including the downfalls, I was not my supportive self of everyone around me and instead became snappy and irritable. j helped out so much and even he was being understanding about it all. I have to stop being so dependent on him but it’s so easy when he knows everything. I’ve thrown parties before, with way more involvement & even though I can do it well, I can’t seem to do it without causing a fuss. I need to stop micro-managing every minute detail of everything. GEEZ! Funny that the last episode of 30 Rock was a a little-to-real adaptation of my own character. What a dot nose I am. I have regretted so little in my life, but my reaction to the situation is now one of the few.

Everyone kept telling me the party was off the hook but I couldn’t enjoy it, I couldn’t let go of the energy I procured. I’m still decompressing. But at least now I have words like, ‘dot nosed’ and ‘I want to go there’ keeping me alive, because Tina Fey and Sarah Silverman are my tv-bff’s.

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