My birthday. Messy hair. Dilated pupils. Love. Holding hands. Cupcakes. I’m sick now. I need to rest.
One of my birthday wishes came true in a way that makes me believe I can have anything I want.
One of my exes was in town and I saw him today. I miss him. I miss him like you miss a sibling you can say anything to and they question you not with anything but the desire to understand. He’s the special one. We lost our virginities to each other. We discussed our cities respective music scenes, the bullshit, our relationships, growing up. It was exactly what I wanted. It is now, all of it that makes it so worthwhile. I can’t appreciate enough that he’s still in my life through everything. It makes me feel so good as a person, as a judge of character. It’s so important that we have been able to get here, to care for each other so deeply. Even though we became friends again many years ago, I am constantly grateful.
On(e). hbd…GHOST.
My lungs weighed heavy, breath was short and my voice barely audible but I had to do it.
Many of my discussions with J revolve around loyalty and my inability to take it easy when it comes to ‘having someone’s back’. Sometimes I even think that my intense need for mutual respect and giving credit where it’s due is to my detriment. But I shouldn’t think that way.
Being involved in a specific music scene in my city in every way (as a dj, promoter, party goer, label pusher) makes my demand for loyalty and no-bullshit very tricky. On one hand, I’ve never been able to shut up about my opinion and calling out people on their lameness, but it is precisely that, that hinders many relations that I need to have to survive in the scene. Being a chick isn’t a fucking great option either. I was talking to Brett from Offshore about why there’s no girls ever let into the cliquey boys club, because he’s one of the few guys in the scene that doesn’t seem like a closet sexist. He told me that it arises when you find a bunch of dudes that have a hard on for something, meaning they don’t want any girls in on the circle jerk. So when a girl comes around that isn’t interested in sleeping with them but has the knowledge and is balls out, they’ll take everything she offers as a hostile move.
What the fuck? Why am I even so bothered about this? Who the fuck cares about their circle jerk sessions. I’ve been there. I’ve been given daps for about a second when I drop knowledge, and then the smoke clears and I realize that it’s useless for me to give a shit about people who don’t give a shit about me. I don’t even care about them or want to be involved with them, but my love of the music, especially the particular sub-genre in which there is only a few of us into, gets twisted into thinking that they are part of it and thus must be part of my experience. I will admit, that, sometimes I do wish I would be accepted, that I would be part of it, and there are times I am, or think I am. Sometimes I do want to fit in. And they do do good things for drum n bass. What?! Why? It’s all so silly especially because it’s one small city and my love is beyond that and if I really really wanted to fit in, I’d keep my mouth shut. But it is my city too and I can’t just let them run it. I can’t. I can’t stop trying to bring my perspective. I can’t stop. Just like when I’m full of shit, I want people to call me on it.
I wanted to write more about loyalty. I’ve been thinking about it more and today I checked out Sarah / Disposable City and there it was, everything keeping my mind busy.
Its boring to think that the “key to happiness” is really just keeping my fucking mouth shut and having as few emotions as possible. Were I more even-tempered and less demanding in the realms of reliability and respect and loyalty, Id probably get along in the world much better but, instead, I expect only the best of social manners from the people I have around me and when that is compromised I have no problem making it known. I look at certain relationships and I cant quite figure out how they thrive when the people they are comprised of are such disrespectful imbeciles. Perhaps its the fact that I refuse to waste my time with people that only hang around for their own gain or maybe Im a heinous bossy bitch, but either way, it just doesnt make much sense to me. That being said, I completely envy it on some level or another. I wish I could just grin and bear it when it comes to bad friends and mistreatments, because clearly this works. Theres no knowing what goes on behind certain closed doors but some people, evidently, are just really good at maintaining this neutral attitude at all costs.
