It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to
cry if I want to
You would cry to if it happened to you
Imagine you throw an event and everything that can go wrong does. Everything short of the party not happening. But the party happened and it was rammed and people loved it. They wanted to go to there. I didn’t love it. I was a mess. From the moment I had to use j’s PC laptop (I’ve never really used a PC too much, especially not for anything other than checking the internet) to VJ because I wanted to buy Resolume 3 for my computer but I couldn’t at the time, everything just went dot nosed. I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t get the computer working properly with the projector in his copy of Resolume, and the screen would pop up PC preferences I knew nothing about backwards. Everyone at the club just sees amateur night, and I’m not amateur, I’m good. But not good enough when everything went pear shaped. I held in my frustration until finally I just started bawling and ran out. A was outside and he talked me down a bit, but it didn’t really relieve the total shit I was feeling. M tried too. I had taken so much time to get ready and to get the coolest clips that aren’t just funky shapes in neon colors mixed with graf train videos. I took the time to search and rip so many awesome clips.
I caused such a scene. It was unnecessary and created more negative energy than was worth. I just couldn’t stop crying. I felt/feel like I let everyone down and made myself look like a joke in the process. Including the downfalls, I was not my supportive self of everyone around me and instead became snappy and irritable. j helped out so much and even he was being understanding about it all. I have to stop being so dependent on him but it’s so easy when he knows everything. I’ve thrown parties before, with way more involvement & even though I can do it well, I can’t seem to do it without causing a fuss. I need to stop micro-managing every minute detail of everything. GEEZ! Funny that the last episode of 30 Rock was a a little-to-real adaptation of my own character. What a dot nose I am. I have regretted so little in my life, but my reaction to the situation is now one of the few.
Everyone kept telling me the party was off the hook but I couldn’t enjoy it, I couldn’t let go of the energy I procured. I’m still decompressing. But at least now I have words like, ‘dot nosed’ and ‘I want to go there’ keeping me alive, because Tina Fey and Sarah Silverman are my tv-bff’s.
